Hay Run

First, three seemingly unrelated facts:

1) Six months ago, I quit going to the gym;

2) Six weeks ago, I ran out of asthma meds;

3) Yesterday, my horses ran out of hay.

Thanks to Fact No. 3, I woke up this morning determined to pick up 30 or so bales of hay from Mr. Lewis in Canton. To that end, I arose bright and early, hooked up the trailer, and headed south.

Hubby was unable to accompany me due to ‘prior commitments,’ but as a demonstration of his undying affection, he did throw a spare tire in the bed of the pickup, along with our very best high-lift jack.

Additional seemingly unrelated fact:

4) The wind was howling like a banshee.

After wandering around Canton for a bit, I found Mr. Lewis’s office, got the key to the barn, and jumped back in the truck, feeling very optimistic about loading those 30 bales of hay all by my lonesome.

My optimism dimmed a bit when I arrived at the hay farm and eyeballed the setup. After wrestling the locks on a couple of gates I approached the hay barn, which was incredibly massive, with doors the size of the Brandenburg Gate. Unfortunately the barn faced south, the direction the gale-force wind was blowing from, and I had a terrible time battling the wind as I struggled to swing open the first door.

Using all of my weight as leverage I eventually dragged it out forty-five degrees or so to the point of no return, when the wind caught it and slammed it back against the barn. Leaning against the trailer to rest, I realized that opening the second door was going to be impossible—there was too much dirt piled up in front of it, and I didn’t bring a shovel. The trailer would have to stay where it was; I would be carrying the hay bales out.

So I cautiously peered inside.

Being late in the hay year, it was clear that most of the hay that originally had been stacked down the center aisle had been sold, as I saw a yawing black hole in front of me, lined on both sides from floor to ceiling with solid walls of hay. I ventured into the darkness, carefully crunching my way along on the bed of loose straw that lined the floor, moving deeper into the cavernous building.

Finally, near the back wall, I saw an opening to one side where someone had thrown down a few bales of hay. Having forgotten my climbing gear, I began grabbing handfuls of hay and wedging my boot into the tiny openings between bales, working my way up to the seventh or eighth row, where I could see a small flat area. Huffing a bit but feeling empowered, I triumphantly stood up, only to shoot straight down as my boot slipped into a crack between bales.

After clawing my way back upright, I felt my way around to find a solid bale to stand on—it was too dark to actually see, but tiny pinpricks of light were peeking in through old nail holes in the tin, so I was able to navigate a bit by feel and a bit by sight. Of course with each cautious step I took toward the loose bales in back, I could see clouds of dirt, dust, and pollen rising up off the bales and drifting along through the stuffy inside air. I began coughing a bit, reflexively, berating myself for letting my asthma meds run out, and for not bringing along a bottle of water.

Feeling my way along the wall, I was able to locate a stack of bales that I could pull from. Of course I had forgotten my hay hook, and my gloves as well, but thank goodness the strings didn’t hurt like wire did! I carefully placed the first few bales to form a little staircase, then trudged up my makeshift stairs to begin the arduous task of tossing hay down.

A couple of dozen bales into the job, I sat down to take a break.

It was midday. The temperature in the barn had climbed up into the nineties; the air was so filled with particulate matter I could almost feel it bumping against my face. I realized I had been working for nearly an hour, and did not have a single bale on the trailer, which was so far away from me I could barely see it, parked outside the doorway, taunting me.

I opted to begin Phase Two of the job, which involved trudging across the ‘floor’ of hay bales to toss my keepers over the side. Hitching the first bale up on my hip, I stepped toward the alleyway, only to plunge straight down in another hole. But this time, I had the bale I was carrying to use as a counterweight to pull me out!

I somehow managed to roll it to the edge of the stack, where a push sent in crashing down into the darkness below.

One down, twenty-four to go.

My work soon fell into a comfortable rhythm: yank, heave, step, crash, claw, hitch, cough, heave, push. For a fat, asthmatic fifty-four-year-old woman, I made surprisingly short work of those sixty-pound hay bales. An uncontrolled slide down the wall of hay to the bottom left me only a little breathless, and I eyed the distance between me and the trailer as I initiated Phase Three: carrying the bales out of the barn.

Did I mention that I had not been to the gym in quite some time? Or that my chronic health problems have rendered me quite weak in both the upper body and legs?

Thank goodness my core is fine!

I clocked myself carrying the first bale to the trailer at two minutes. The transport process went something like this: lift, cough, step, cough, rest, lift, cough…

By the time I finished the first dozen bales, I was sweating like a pig, and sucking in huge lungfuls of air every time I broke through the doors.

I sat down to rest on one of the bales, knowing that it might be a mistake, if I got too comfortable, or if my joints froze up and I was unable to move. Moments later I had popped back up and went back in for another bale. This process continued for quite some time, with decreasing efficiency and increasing coughing, until finally I had all of the bales outside.

Time for Phase Four.

I knew that this would be the hardest phase: getting the bales up in the truck, and on the trailer.

There was a time when I would have ‘tossed’ them in.

This was not that time.

I pushed, pulled, twisted, and torqued, and somehow managed to get the first few bales in the back of the truck. Hopping up in myself, I began my stacks as per hubby’s instructions, keeping my tie ropes taught and remembering when to alternate edge, flat, edge, flat. I have no idea where I got the strength to throw that last bale on the tie row, but my oh my, it sure felt good when I stretched out on top of those bales to let the wind blow some of the chaff and sweat off my hair and face!

I lay there panting and coughing for several minutes, before I saw him, hovering just above me: a bumblebee, nearly the size of a ping pong ball, darting about, flapping his wings.

“Ah,” I thought. “A scout bee. How lovely. Surely he will signal the rest of the hive to come attack.”

I carefully slid my cell phone out of my pocket, checking to see how many bars were visible, and wondering if Canton had 911 service yet.

Thank goodness the wind was strong enough it was carrying my fear pheromones off to the south, so with the bee in a holding pattern just inches from my nose, I flipped over and rolled straight off the side of the hay stack, crashing to the ground with only the spare tire and high-lift jack to break my fall.

Urged on by the prospect of an entire hive of bees attacking, I threw myself back into the stacking task, quickly filling up the trailer with the remaining bales.

Closing the door was piece of cake: once I got it halfway, the wind slammed it shut. Of course it hit so hard it broke the 2x4 stop on top so I had to drag it back out from the inside of the barn, then struggle to hold it while I fastened the baling wire/baling twine closure device. I only cut my finger once, while trying to screw the hasp back in using my fingernail after it broke off. I finally just duct taped it back on and dragged myself to the truck, cranking it up and settling back to enjoy the blast of icy air from the vents and the soft cushion of the bucket seat.

I can imagine how attractive I must have looked when I pulled up to Mr. Lewis’s office to drop off the key: hair disheveled and dusty, face covered with grime, hands and shirt blood-encrusted, and cheeks a lovely shade of fire-engine red that you just can’t buy in a bottle.

It was nearly dark when I got home that night.

I heard the horses whinny as I pulled in the drive, and I thought to myself: you will EAT this hay, and you will ENJOY it, and if it has too much sugar or starch in it, you WILL be jogging down the road to burn off those calories!

As for me, I’d already burned my share.